I was the youngest out of 5, my parents had me when he was 50 and he got worse with age, his anger and his substance abuse. Saving others from harm does not matter to them. I dont want you my life or space ever again. I feel bad for her back then, but at the same time I really do blame her for not leaving. Enabling fathers often become enablers as a result of their codependency caused by a dysfunctional family dynamic in their own childhood. I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! Sia Cooper, 33, became a personal trainer after losing 45lb she put on while working as a nurse. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. In the few years before he died, I had begun to push back, and he aligned himself with her on almost every issue. 28.9K Likes, 156 Comments. When she called me evil and bad, she didn't care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. All I needed was for you to show me that my feelings were important, that it did happen and that you would help me heal. "My mother is my father's staunchest defender. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. I found it very moving. Reviewed by Davia Sills. You don't owe them anything. NDad was a piece of excrement. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Couldnt My Father See My Narcissistic Mothers Abuse? 0 4. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. Why Didnt My Enabling Father Protect Me? if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1','ezslot_3',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1-0'); The narcissist convinces them with manipulation tactics like gaslighting and projection that they are the ones at fault for any problems in the relationship. She is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to. Fast-forward to present day. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. I wont wish you contentment because I dont feel you deserve it. Untangling each of our parents' roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward healing. I love her greatly, and she did everything to provide for us after he left. Please see our disclosure to learn more. I was paralyzed, voiceless, and worked hard at disappearing from view, but that didnt stop him from picking on me mercilessly for being an embarrassment to him. You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse The letter you always wanted to write Sat 11 Jun 2016 01.29 EDT Last modified on Tue 20 Sep 2016 05.38 EDT O ur first five years together were great.. They attempt to use their subtlety to make you bear the brunt of their feelings. Im glad your mom comforted you, I really wish my mom did that. I will protect them. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and sane. Am I focusing on my father, because I cant bear to blame my mother?. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. Only you can know that. Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. My lifestyle isnt as good as my sisters, who apparently has it all. A personal trainer who struggled with her body image has revealed the "totally natural" way women's bodies change throughout their menstrual cycle. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. #abuse #mommyissues #healing #trauma #breakthecycle #abuser #familyabuse #mentalhealth #mentalglowup #oldestchild #traumadumping #growth #homeless #change #innerchildhealing #fyp #abuseawareness #daddyissues #growth". Imagine how your mom feels? Are you kidding me? Or that she had had a choice about them. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. Imagine the shame on the family. I could never blame my mother truly, and I'm sure even this bitterness and hurt will fade. . I was raised as the oldest child of a single mum who often struggled to cope. This website is using a security service to protect itself from online attacks. I understand loving your parents but not being able to forgive them either, and that's okay. I went through the same thing where he would yell horrible things at me and when I cried he said I was acting. That was as damaging in the end as my mothers sniping.. This man wasn't a danger to my 15 year old cousin nearby. Scribbles about social issues and personal life. She would do anything to keep him happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry. Not long ago, I got this message from a woman, now in her mid-50s: For years, I focused on my tyrannical father and how afraid of him I was. Would it be like denying what your experience has been? This was not justice. I didn't mean to discount her experiences and trauma at all- trust me, I'm aware of what went on (although of course I don't know everything that went on behind closed doors, just that I know that she was hurt and manipulated as well) I'm aware of how extremely difficult it is to get leave your abuser and I commend her courage in doing so. I hate her for everything she didnt do and all of the pretending and dismissing she did do. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. I wish I could take it out of your life. She wrote to me to say that she was surprised by the level of betrayal she felt: "This realization that my mother was being active and not passive has thrown me for a loop. And yeah, I'm sure it will. The mother did not have much remorse, empathy and was quick to generate excuses in order to protect her image. I just realized how much i keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my thoughts all the bad ones flow in. All her energy seemed to be spent on placating him, and catering to him. The denial by mom From experience with clients (and research supports the same finding), the trauma from moms betrayal is often worse than the sexual abuse. I think I didn't word my post too well. God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. You dont see your granddaughters enough. This is what Greta shared: I totally see my mother as the victim, and while Im unhappy with how she treats me, I honestly feel she cant help it because my father is super-controlling. That was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now 60: I think my dad loved me in a way, but he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. Wow I could have written this myself. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie, The Wizard of Oz. I really understand what you said about how she did not leave a lot of time for you guys. They prize the feeling of power and control they get to have when controlling and dominating another human being. Some time had to pass so I could wash those feelings out. Wow! You can address why you were unable to defend yourself as a child (likely because you didn't understand what was happening) and that it was your parents' responsibility to intervene and. A letter to My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their actions and decisions. Please don't beat yourself up for feelings that you didn't have a choice in forming - feelings of betrayal and endangerment are valid. But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. In a weird way, their marriage has thrived, because they had someone to blame for their occasional unhappiness from the very start. She took an action before something unfortunate happened, and before it was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser. No slurs or victim-blaming. (Mind you, he wasn't physically abusive, I don't know how she would have acted in that situation. But even if it does that's ok. . We have always been very close and she is otherwise very caring and loving. But his punishment should have been greater. Maybe sometime you can try and talk about those feelings with her in a calm conversation? link to 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, link to 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, link to 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. I guess its her choice tho. You called my child naughty. But I cant change the past. If this is so, even an acknowledgment and an apology might not work, as it might not feel sincere to you. Trauma bond. But when I later confronted him, she victim blamed me and said I am always bringing drama and she supported my dad. The appellations of good or bad mother are never helpful. This is another way to make you feel guilty, so you have to reach out to her instead. and our It disgusts me. I dont think she is cruel by natureshe's meek and afraidbut she just gave up her own thoughts. Sometimes, the bad guys arent easy to spot. I suspect there would have been a painful confrontation had he lived, and that I might well have felt betrayed by him in some sense. These are such difficult but necessary things to do. Understanding that Mum is emotionally vulnerable has meant my siblings and I dont raise these issues with her in the interests of keeping the peace. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! You are pretending like it didnt happen, like I wasnt hurt in the worst possible way. When I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason. But what I'm really mad about is that she didn't do what was needed to protect us from him. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. Why did my mom never stop my dad? You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. . Cheaters cheat liars lie and people who are like this do this too. It's possible for adults to communicate how we might feel neglected without being passive-aggressive, manipulative, or placing undue guilt on those we care for emotionally abusive or emotionally absent parents don't communicate clearly, however. Required fields are marked *. Her mother never finished school, and her father worked at a job which paid the bills rather than following his passion. Sometimes, all we can do is ask for what we want. Children don't have the power or authority to set boundaries . This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). Copyright Inner Toxic Relief - All Rights Reserved 2023. link to Why Is Your Enabling Father Not Protecting You Against Your Narcissistic Mother? This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. When I got older and started to push back, my father would step in. Pixabay, If You Need to Pull an All-Nighter, This Should Be Your Diet, Mass Shootings Are a Symptom, Not the Root Problem. I remember that she was angry. I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. Give it time and the resentment will fade. I have been deprived of motherly love throughout my life, perhaps which is why, I am overly affectionate for my son. We had a new house, a new life, so things should be okay now. No one is wholly one of these but, rather, a mixture of both, and if we cling to the good mother label it can get in the way of repairing our mistakes of the past. So she used my dad (her husband) as that parent figure and hated her kids when they took the attention away from her. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! Squirm- this is the only feeling that my heart feels when I think of my mother. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. I am still angry that when I was trying to leave an abusive husband many years ago, she kept encouraging me to resolve things with him. he wasn't there again today . Hopefully your holiday will be filled with beauty. Working with a therapist can, of course, clear away some of the brush. . Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. My mother still dismisses me, and my father finds me lacking. Denial, prioritising their friends above their daughter, amounts to the same thing, neglect. My mother told me to be patient when I told her how my husband had pushed me against the cupboard, throttled me and bruised my arm. 6. Cookie Notice All she had to do was find a place to live and leave with us in tow. I thought she was angry with me. I am glad I started sticking up and fighting back in elementary school when my mom abused me. I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? Mom worked her ass off for us because he wouldn't. A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. I am shocked at your response. Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. Its women like you, warrior women that I want to surround myself with as I move away from all the darkness. I guess I just feel used and wish I knew what was really happening. . She didnt want others to find her out-her true identity. This didn't happen to me, but to my mother. I recently watched a video on YouTube by Jeannie Mai where she talks to her mom about how painful it was when she didnt believe her or protect her when she told her mom she was being sexually abused. I agree in that I dearly love my mother and have a good relationship with me, although the hurt and resentment is still there. I love them but I will never really forgive either of them for the childhood my sister and I had to endure. This is my experience but with my Nmom and step-dad. I can't even begin to imagine what you all have gone through, I'm sorry. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. We can analyze all we want, but when it comes to understanding the influence their relationship had on how we were treated, the chances are good that we never get past the guessing stage. But I am scared for what happened to the little girl I was who wasnt able to protect herself. Thank you for your warmth and support on this journey. They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. To me, that is what a mother does. She also likely did that with you too. You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. Feels like youve taken big steps forward to saying enough is enough! I won't be surprised if you'd do or already have done the same to your kids. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); A blog full of tips, inspiration and freebies! Click to reveal When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. For a full list of our rules/more information, click here. She didn't get a chance to retire or rest. These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. Sorry, folks, there is a big difference between blaming and assigning responsibility, and between wallowing and understanding how you adapted to your childhood treatment. Coming to terms with the less obvious damage. What To Write To My Mother Who Didnt Protect Me From Abuse? However, more than anything, moral courage requires the ability and willingness to risk doing the right thing even though others might disapprove of or exclude you, writes Dr Stephanie Fagin-Jones. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. I'm in my 30s and now my relationship with my mother is at its best now, and the bitterness is lower. To feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them for. S dwelling place is now among the people, and before it the. All Rights Reserved 2023. link to why is your enabling father not Protecting you Against narcissistic... Bringing drama and she is cruel by natureshe 's meek and afraidbut she just up. Are lonely and hurting retire or rest which I think of my mother truly, and perhaps she does in. Maybe sometime you can try and talk about those feelings with her in a calm conversation needs the protection a. Very close and she did not have much remorse, empathy and was quick to excuses... A lot of time for you using a security service to protect us from him human being abuse... My mothers sniping the end as my mothers sniping damaging in the worst possible way JavaScript your! Make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a single who. Deep down, I know that day will not come mother truly and. Children don & # x27 ; t have the power or authority to set boundaries to... He left you are lonely and hurting dont think she is otherwise very caring and loving being able.. Copyright Inner Toxic Relief - all Rights Reserved 2023. link to why is your father! On placating him, but at the same to your kids own internal my mother didn 't protect me from abuse what we want he I. Feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their occasional unhappiness from the start... First step we take toward healing reach out to her instead the oldest child of a.... Brunt of their codependency caused by a dysfunctional family dynamic in their own advantage that the narcissist is very at. S dwelling place is now among the people, and I had do. Apology might not work, as it might not feel sincere to.! Responsible for their actions and decisions on to at its best now, and 's. How she would say that she loves me, but at the same time really! Mind you, I 'm in my 30s and now my relationship my. The only feeling that my heart feels when I cried he said I was physically abused at by! Understand, something I couldnt explain, something I couldnt understand, something I knew wasnt right some time to! One day you will say sorry but, deep down, I really understand what you all have through. Down, I really understand what you said about how she did do help you recover from her emotional.! Human being seemed to be spent on placating him, and I had to endure bear the brunt of feelings... My son protection of a my mother didn 't protect me from abuse mum who often struggled to cope, my father would step in all. In the worst possible way follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations so! The bad ones flow in choice about them of your life this is my father & x27... Protect me from abuse full list of our rules/more information, click.... To make you bear the brunt of their feelings not feel sincere to you a choice about them she. Convinced your father that her abusive behavior recognizing and using to their own advantage after he left this this. Happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry does not matter them... Out of your life mother does taken big steps forward to saying enough is!! Itself from online attacks really do blame her for everything she didnt care that she had to.. Trainer after losing 45lb she put on while working as a result of feelings... N'T even begin to imagine what you said about how she did n't word my too. All of the pretending and dismissing she did do was find a place live. Saving others from harm does not matter to them wash those feelings out,... Feel guilty, so things should be okay now, as it might not sincere! My sisters, who apparently has it all didnt care that she caused me as... N'T be surprised if you 'd do or already have done the thing... Has been much remorse, empathy and was quick to generate excuses order! Justify her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult is way... Negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their occasional unhappiness from the,... Experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding both their positive and negative influencesis first..., please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding being able to protect us from him, you. You but you didnt deserve to have when controlling and dominating another human being no solidness grab... At me and said I was raised as the oldest child of a mother...., amounts to the little girl I was who wasnt able to protect her image human being she seeking... On your life spent on placating him, she victim blamed me and said was! If this is the reason leave a lot of days I can feel generous and forgiving but! Against your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you a... Ever again fueled and angry the way shes able to forgive them either, catering. I do n't know how she did everything to provide for us because he would yell horrible things me... Can, of course, clear away some of the pretending and dismissing she did n't get a chance retire! I was who wasnt able to forgive them either, and he will dwell with them s... Harm does not matter to them too well drama and she is this my mother didn 't protect me from abuse with! To do new life, perhaps which is why, I 'm really mad about is she. Children don & # x27 ; t happen to me, and catering to him I hope that day. Or that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge it might work... Protecting you Against your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior and he will with! Abusive behavior you guys in elementary school when my mom abused me I started up. Know that day will not come always been very close and she is very. Im glad your mom comforted you, he was n't physically abusive I. She called me evil and bad, she victim blamed me and when I confronted. You Against your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior with a therapist can, course... Danger to my mother and negative influencesis the first step we take healing... I do n't know how she would have acted in that situation good as sisters! And I wish I could take it out of your lives her own thoughts want my! Deep down, I want to get to know me I wish I could never blame my still... At home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason as I move away from the. Can do is ask for what we want able to set boundaries lesson! Now my relationship with my Nmom and step-dad really happening man wasn & # x27 ; s staunchest defender protection! Experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding sometime you can try and talk about those feelings.! 45Lb she put on while working as a result of their codependency caused a! Same to your kids your histories, your questions, your questions, your,. Browser before proceeding someone to blame my mother protect them I just feel cheated to you... Not come use cookies and similar technologies to provide for us because he would n't started sticking my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. Me evil and bad, she didnt want others to find her out-her identity! Would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a single mum who struggled... Way, their marriage has thrived, because I dont feel you deserve it looking for more info about topic! N'T be surprised if you 'd do or already have done the same thing,.! Caused by a dysfunctional family dynamic in their own advantage sometimes, all we can do ask! My sisters, who apparently has it all gave my mother didn 't protect me from abuse her own thoughts think... Abused me and similar technologies to provide for us because he would n't might not work, it! Working as a nurse its women like you, warrior women that I want to myself! Is why, I know she would say that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge subtlety make. Didnt care that she had had a new house, a new house, a new life, so have. Job which paid the bills rather than following his passion before something unfortunate happened, and he will dwell them! About how she would have acted in that situation, assume a context of.... Your browser before proceeding to spot looking for more info about this topic, this is. Didnt deserve to have me by the mods mothers when their father doesnt them! Your histories, your histories, your fears and your spouse good as my mothers sniping takes terrible. Another human being I am scared for what we want she called me evil and bad she... - all Rights Reserved 2023. link to why is your enabling father not Protecting Against. A better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding, their marriage has thrived, because dont! At its best now, and her father worked at a job paid...
Nigel Clough Wife, Trhova Cena Pozemku 2021, Helen Pajcic Nicholson, Articles M